I'm Trying not to Panic....

“Don’t worry,” my sister assured me as she glanced down at my phone in her lap. “It’s coming up in about a half a mile. I’ll tell you when.” I kept my eyes glued to the road ahead; dusk was falling, and without street lights and only 5% battery left on my phone, I was nervous about navigating our way to an unknown destination, an airbnb spot in Aromas, California. We’d started our day up in Muir Woods, where the scenery and road directions changed constantly. With the navigational difficulties we had encountered both in Muir Woods and again heading towards Aromas, I was hit by the uncanny parallel between our California road trip and my own life journey.

It’s only been two and a half weeks since my life-altering decision to move from the Midwest to California, and I’m struggling with it. I know it’s what God’s called me to do, but what should I do next? Just this next step of packing up and moving, along with an awaiting barista job at Starbucks, is the only thing that’s clear to me at the moment. And for a person who’d had her entire next five years of life planned out, this is TERRIFYING. Maybe that’s the point, though. It’s hard to trust God with my whole life when I’ve already had it planned out for myself. This brings to mind the passage in Proverbs that says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”, and again, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” There doesn’t exist a more relevant passage in scripture for me right now than these two verses.

Lately, I’ve trusted myself and my own plans, and have resisted giving over the day-to-day parts of my life to Jesus. This trip down the California coast and the weeks to come present one of the greatest challenges of faith I’ve yet to experience. I mulled this over on a walk down the sands of Sunset Beach that night and was suddenly startled out of my reverie by a flock of seagulls. Something spooked them and they rose as one shivering, speckled mass, curving to cross in front of the sinking sun. Their fluid motion and beautiful flight brought to mind Bible verses that speak of God’s provision for His children; if he cares so much for the birds of the air and flowers of the field, how can we doubt for a second His steadfast love and faithfulness in providing for His people (Matt. 6:26-28)? Jesus himself reminds us in Matthew 6:34, “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Does not each day have enough trouble of its own?”

I was encouraged by this revelation, and so chose to place the rest of my day into His hands. I also stopped worrying about planning out the rest of my life (this does not include goals. I think those are a totally different area). Why should I try to plan everything out? God’s plans will be so much greater than my own. I say this to give people hope. Please know that if you often find yourself succumbing to anxiety, you are not alone. Anxiety is a battle I face and something I struggle with daily. I’m convinced that Jesus wants to shine the brightest through this weakness of mine. Maybe one of the reasons I've been called here is that Christ may show the power of His might in changing my heart from one of anxiety and fear to one of assurance, faith, passion, and conviction. As the apostle Paul writes, “Therefore, not looking back at what has been, we strain on ahead, working for the prize set before us” (Phil. 3:13).

“Right here,” Elise pointed to the street sign glowing in our headlights. I took a left where she pointed. As she gave me each direction, I realized that was the only direction I needed to concern myself with. Too many directions at once, and I would easily become overwhelmed, yet not enough direction and I would not know where to turn. God is doing the same thing for me by illuminating only the next immediate step and nothing beyond that. Otherwise I would surely become overwhelmed. We turned onto a curving, quiet road and strained our eyes in the darkness to read the house numbers. We almost missed it, but caught it at the last second. “Whew!” I let out a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding in. “We’re here!”

Adventure is Calling, and I Must Go

I wasn’t going to move here. I told everyone very emphatically, “I’m just going there for two months, then I’ll be back, I promise!” But, as the waves slowly erode at rocks, changing and forming them into something new and more beautiful, so God has changed my heart through this summer and has called me to a new adventure. It started on one of our trips to the Pacific coast….

Eyes closed, I breathe in deeply; the delicious scent of salty ocean water fills my nostrils as the thunder of breaking waves caresses my ears. The ocean rages; it is a wild beast, yet being in its presence somehow sooths and comforts me. It comforts me because it points me to the God I serve—beautiful, wild, loving, in constant motion, yet giving a calm peace to the one who is near.

I open my eyes and peer down over the cliff and into the foaming depths of the Pacific Ocean below. Each wave is artwork, a display of color, motion and blending that moves to create a never-ending canvas of pure beauty. As one wave hits the rocks, it sends its white, grasping fingers racing over the water to reach the caves further in. As it does so, it collides with the water that now seeks to escape those caves, and as the waves meet they dance and move around each other, forming patterns with foam, each wave more eager than the last to create its own space. As the waters calm and the foam disintegrates, along comes another wave to upheave the delicate balance and the cycle starts all over again. It is sheer and utter beauty to my eyes, and I let the sight fill my mind as the rest of my senses soak in the cool, moist air, the crying of gulls, the rush of the sea, the firm stone of the cliff beneath my feet. After weeks of non-stop heat, and working 10-hour days in a merciless, baking sun at 6,000 feet elevation, this is heaven. Tendrils of hair escape my hastily-constructed bun and whip about my face, stinging my cheeks that are pulled tight with a grin I can’t hold back. I am in love.

I AM in love, truly. In love with experiences, in love with the God who creates these stunning masterpieces of creation, in love with having the time and space to enjoy this. As I stare out at the Pacific coast, a crazy thought niggles at the corner of my mind: “Drop everything and move out here.” I push it away, sure it’s only a passing thought, and don’t let it consume my mind again until a week later.

Each post I’ve created on Instagram or Facebook this summer has come with the saying: #adventureiscalling. Our church here hosts a weekend family camp each summer, and the theme of this year’s camp was “Adventure is Calling”. The pastor began by identifying the meaning of adventure, which is “to engage in something that involves risk, where the outcome is uncertain”. The thought seized me again: “Drop everything and move out here.” As he continued with his sermon, the pastor commented on how we all have choices, adventures that God calls us to, even though they might seem crazy and they might push us out of our comfort zone. His statement stuck with me: “You can’t grow in your comfort zone.” I looked over at my best friend who was sitting across the way from me, as she’d been shooting pointed glances my way throughout the sermon. “Quit your job!” she mouthed.

Thus began an adventure in and of itself, of excruciating soul-searching, a process that turned my insides out and had me on my knees for days. As I honestly considered moving to California, I questioned my motives: Why? Why now? Wouldn't it be too crazy? Is this what I really want? The answers stunned me. Yes, I wanted to move out here, but each time I thought about it negative thoughts and misgivings would pound into me, “Then you would be quitting what God told you to do—He called you to teach. And if you’re not a classroom teacher, then you’re not following His calling, and that’s wrong.” It became apparent to me that my entire viewpoint for staying or going was based entirely on lies, entirely on falsehoods about who God is and how much He loves us.

I am a person who believes that God cares more about our holiness than our happiness. I have struggled in choosing the right path before, because I always want to please God the most, and I’m willing to undergo hardships to glorify Him. But what if sometimes, the Lord directs my steps into exactly what I’ve been praying for and dreaming for over years’ worth of time? I learned a very important lesson: God does not seek to make me miserable. Sure, there are rough parts to the paths that I follow in order to glorify Him, and I have experienced many of them. However, He is not a dictatorial, demanding general giving orders to His soldiers, expecting them to follow Him out of duty and obligation and fear. Instead, His word says, “Perfect love casts out all fear”, and “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!” I’d forgotten what that was like. Forgotten how much God loves me and cares for me and wants what is best for me. Forgotten how to serve Him out of love and joy, instead of out of obligation and fear.

Let me tell you, friends, what a FREEING revelation that was! After realizing this, I discovered that the choice set before me was not a choice of bad vs. good, or right vs. wrong. God can and will use me to glorify Him, no matter in which capacity it is. That definitely made the decision harder for me. As I was thinking and journaling through these thoughts, God revealed even more to me that was confirmed by others’ wise words.

I think that sometimes Christians can get too caught up in wondering if we’re in the exact right place, using our talents in the exact right avenues and serving the exact right people so much so that our focus is no longer on serving and loving others for Christ. Instead, it’s focused on us—it becomes self-centered, egotistical, and controlling—rather than glorifying to God and enjoying Him forever. And what an incredible lie by Satan. If he can paralyze us with the fear of, “Am I doing this right? Is this the exact right choice?” when something is within God’s moral will, then we won’t ever step out in faith, we won’t take risks, and we’ll be far more ineffective for Christ. Jesus wants us to serve Him out of love and joy, not out of obligation or with a fear-filled heart.

As I spent a day in concerted prayer and deep time alone with my Lord, I read through my journal from this summer. As I read through, certain phrases and prayers stuck out like giant neon signs, pointing in this direction. “I’ve only been here for 10 days, and it feels like 10 months!” I exclaimed in my writing, and went on to explain how much I feel at home here, how I don’t feel judged for who I am and how the lifestyle so fits who I am at my core. My prayers centered around having an open heart and mind to do what God wants me to do for Him, what God wants of me on this adventure. I prayed continually for guidance, from my very first days here. The pattern became pretty clear: If I were to go back and teach at my same job, it would be good. I would work my hardest, try my best and would love my students, and I would try to find joy in each day. However, if I were to take the leap of faith and follow God’s direction here to California, it would be better.

So, sure, there are lots of unknowns. There’s a lot I have to get finished in the next few weeks, but I’m taking the step of faith. When God led the Israelites over the Jordan river into the Promised Land, He didn’t part the waters for them like He had in the Red Sea. Instead, He waited for His people to step out in faith, and sure enough, He showed up and brought them across into the land He had promised to them. I can’t wait to see how He will show up in this next adventure.

All this brings to mind a quote I saw on the artwork of a wall in San Fransisco’s Mission district: “Nothing in the world is as soft, as weak, as water. Nothing else can wear away stone and remain unaltered. Soft overcomes hard, weak overcomes strong.” Not that I have a stone heart, but in a sense, all of us do, and God usually doesn’t come crashing down on us, pummeling us into submission to Him. Instead, His Spirit works quietly, continually, lovingly, to erode away our fears and the parts of our hearts that aren’t in submission to Him until our hearts are totally changed. I prayed so hard this summer that God would change my heart, and give me His desires for my life. He has, and I can’t wait to see what this next adventure brings.

“It is not what we do that matters, but what a Sovereign God chooses to do through us.” ~Charles Colson

“The meaning of earthly existence lies, not as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but in the development of the soul.” ~Alexander Solzhenitsyn

A Spiritual Depression

“Really? A person like you is single?”

“Why don’t you just try online dating?”

“You’re still so young. You have LOTS of time!”

“Don’t worry—the right person will come at the right time!”

Yes, a person like me is still single, and believably so, in my mind. I have tried online dating. You know, I don’t feel like the youngest person in the world. Yes, I know I still have lots of time. Above are things many people have told me when I vocalize my feelings about wanting to be a wife and have a family someday. They probably mean it to come off as consoling, but more often than not it comes off as condescending. I’m 26 years old, which isn’t exactly SO young, and for someone who wants to have a family someday, I don’t think it’s wrong for me to feel disappointed that this dream may never come true.

I see scores of single young women at my church like me—passionate for Christ, involved in their churches, excelling in their careers and still wanting to settle down and have a family. Yet they vastly outnumber the number of young men in attendance. Most men I spot at church are either married oron the arm of someone else already.

According to one website committed to changing the demographics and shrinking the gender gap in churches, on any given Sunday there are 13 million more women who attend than men (churchformen.org). Church congregations are, nationwide, 61% female and 39% male. This is not just a problem in America, though; it is pervasive worldwide. Apparently, “churches overseas report gender gaps of up to 9 women for every adult man in attendance.” Why is this? I blame it on the Spiritual Depression.

In 1920’s France, there was a high increase in the number of marriages linking a young woman to a much older gentleman. We’re talking 20+ years of a gap in age. Yikes. Look around Europe during the following twenty years, and you see a similar trend. Why? War. World War I decimated Europe’s population of young men, and the ensuing years heard them named The Lost Generation. In 1930's United States,  the same sort of thing happened, although it was the war of poverty that starved many women's hopes and dreams. My great grandmother was one of 12 children in her family, 9 girls and 3 boys. To my knowledge, less than half of the women were married. Why? The Great Depression. SO many were struggling financially and physically that marriage was out of the question. I would argue that we are seeing similar numbers of unmarried single women in churches today because of the Spiritual Depression.

We are entrenched in war. Not in a physical war, although that still remains a problem. We are fighting a spiritual war. Young men (and women) are falling as casualties in a war of lust, pornography, greed and narcissism. Pornography has raged rampant throughout our culture in the last 20 or so years since the birth of the internet and has ruined men’s minds in regards to how to have a healthy relationship with women, both platonically and romantically/sexually. The part that breaks my heart is that our culture has embraced and accepted this as “men being men.” NO! It goes SO much deeper than that!

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the fact that there are many young men in my generation with whom I am good friends and who have confided in me that they, too, have experienced the frustration of feeling that all of the quality women who follow Christ are already taken or are greatly dwindling in number. I don’t want to ignore that women have fallen casualties to different sets of cultural diseases. However, the statistics don’t lie. Men are far more at risk.

So, what can we do in all of this? To those of you who are like me—millenials feeling the weight of disappointment and broken dreams—you aren’t alone. Change that frustration into fuel to pray for our generation and for those who will come after us. Pray for strong young men and women who will fight the good fight of faith together.

For those of you who have been the ones saying, “Well, you’re so young!” or “Don’t worry—you still have time!” please stop. It doesn’t help. Instead, let us feel the weight of disappointment and say instead, “I’m sorry it is so hard for you. It sucks. Is there anything I can do?” Chances are, most of us will react more positively to that and will be grateful for the empathy. In all of this, we need to remember that we are broken people living in a broken world, and though it might not feel like it, Christ is still Sovereign. I may never see the realization of my dreams of being a wife and mother, but thank God there is so much more to life than that. Thank the Lord I have family and friends whom I love deeply, a LORD who cares more about my soul than my happiness, and a faith to get me through. These are the things that will never disappoint.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world's darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore take up the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you will be able to stand your ground, and having done everything, to stand...." ~Ephesians 6:12-13

On Conflict

“STOP IT! AH! STOP!!!!!” I was alerted to the conflict brewing in the back corner of my classroom by a shrill scream. My students froze and looked at me, awaiting my response. Immediately, I issued a request to the other students, “Alright class, please keep working on your end-of-the-day jobs.” As the classroom shivered to life again with bustling second graders, I quickly swooped over and separated the two students who were in the heat of battle. I asked the boy to quickly and quietly go to the buddy room, and had the other student take a break. Once her breath had ceased to come out in heaving gasps, I gently crouched by her and asked, “Could you please tell me what happened?” She choked out that she had been cleaning up around her table, and getting something off the floor when the boy had hit her from behind. She said he did it on purpose. I thanked her for letting me know her side of the story.

When I asked the boy about it, he explained that he had been jumping around, excited about the end of the day (I usually play some clean-up music and he likes to dance along to it), and hadn’t been looking where he was going. In his second-grade exuberance, he had flung his hands out and accidentally hit the girl as she was standing up. She thought he had done it on purpose. He had done it on accident. Of course, as seven-year-olds, their responses were purely emotional, and each reacted on a presumption of the worst about the other person. The fruits of these hasty assumptions were screaming and shouting at one another, disruption of the classroom, and inevitably, tears.

When I had calmed both children down (always step #1—don’t enter into a discussion before tempering your emotions), I was able to hear both sides of the story, piece together what had actually happened, and was able to bring about genuine apologies and reconciliation between the parties.

After this particularly heated afternoon, I sat, exhausted and drained, in my swivel chair. The incident got me thinking about how we adults handle situations very much like these in our own lives. Sure, we are beyond issues of someone hitting another person on purpose or by accident (I hope!), but we still have disagreements and unfortunately, I feel like most of them resemble this second-grade altercation more than a civilized and respectful conversation.

I love having conversations involving people with whom I disagree. Just the other day I was talking with a coworker about some political things. She and I disagreed with one another. Both of us are very passionate about certain policies and standpoints, and both of us are emotional people. However, she had the grace to hear my side of the story, and I had the compassion to listen to her and understand why she believes what she believes, and therefore why she sees things from a perspective that is different than mine. I walked away from that conversation with more compassion for people who have had more difficult upbringings than I have, people who have encountered more difficulties in life and have experienced more racism or negativity than I have.

I have another dear friend with whom I disagree on quite a few things. I love having discussions with her, because I always walk away with more things to think on. I have learned more about the world and different lifestyles by having discussions with people of an opposing viewpoint than I have from people with whom I agree all the time.

Next time you are in a conflict or discussion (hopefully IN PERSON—please, social media is NOT the place to have these discussions. That’s another topic though) with a person of a different mindset, I encourage you to step in with an open mind and a compassionate ear. Please don’t enter screaming and arguing, as this solves nothing and brings about no reconciliation, understanding, or compassion for either one of you. Take the time to listen. Agree to disagree if you must, and love that person for who they are and why they are the way they are.

You could walk out of that conversation learning what my second graders did: your initial assumptions of a person may not be correct, and in the end you could discover something you didn’t know before and come to reconciliation. Because, really, isn’t that what we all want? To be listened to. To be heard. To be understood. And to be brought together in harmony with others, not forever separated because of different ideals and beliefs. At least, that’s my opinion. J

Fanning into Flame the Dying Fire of Faith

A few months back, someone posed a question to a group of people sitting around a bonfire (don’t all the best and deepest conversations seem to happen around campfires? They do for me!). Their question was this: “What is something you do to grow in faith? To have a deeper faith?” An excellent question. 

There was nothing but the sound of crackling fire for a moment as I allowed the question to turn over, back and forth, in my mind. As I allowed it to soak in, my mind began to view this from a different point of view than the one of how the question was posed. I thought not necessarily of how I grow in my faith, but what I do to combat doubt when it assaults my faith.  Hebrews chapter 11 tells us that “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I believe that there are promises in my life that God has yet to fulfill. So how do I cling to the hope and faith that He who has promised will indeed be faithful to His word? 

Finally, I allowed these thoughts to manifest themselves into words, “When I start to feel a lack of faith, I remember what God HAS already done in my life,” I began. “As humans, we so easily forget what He’s done. That’s why the Bible is FULL of examples of God reminding His people what He’s already done for them. Because they were always forgetting, and then they would doubt.” I continued, “So, I journal about the things that God has done, and then I go back and read about it and realize again, ‘Oh, God answered this prayer that I had two months ago, so He must have a way of getting me through this difficulty now.' ” 

I believe this practice is not only biblically founded, but is also entirely essential for every believer. We, just like the Israelites, so easily forget what God has done for us in the past and are quick to complain and cry out to God when our circumstances turn difficult. It is good to cry out to God when we need Him; we see the psalmists do this all the time. Yet something I’ve noticed about the writers is that, though they often start with their circumstances and speak out of the depth of their distress and sorrow, by the end of the psalm, they are usually praising the Lord. 

Let me be clear: it is perfectly okay for us to feel emotions of fear, sorrow, and heartache; it is a natural human response in times of grief or duress. The importance is for us not to wallow in the emotions forever. The psalmists exemplify this wonderfully. The very next day, in my daily Bible reading, I came across Psalm 77, the content of which perfectly corresponded to the wondering question about faith around that blazing bonfire:

“I cried out to God for help;
    I cried out to God to hear me.
² When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
    at night I stretched out untiring hands,
    and I would not be comforted.

³ I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
    I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.^[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
    I was too troubled to speak.
⁵ I thought about the former days,
    the years of long ago;
⁶ I remembered my songs in the night.
    My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

⁷ “Will the Lord reject forever?
    Will he never show his favor again?
⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
    Has his promise failed for all time?
⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful?
    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
    the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
¹² I will consider all your works
    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

¹³ Your ways, God, are holy.
    What god is as great as our God?
¹⁴ You are the God who performs miracles;
    you display your power among the peoples.
¹⁵ With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
    the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

¹⁶ The waters saw you, God,
    the waters saw you and writhed;
    the very depths were convulsed.
¹⁷ The clouds poured down water,
    the heavens resounded with thunder;
    your arrows flashed back and forth.
¹⁸ Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
    your lightning lit up the world;
    the earth trembled and quaked.
¹⁹ Your path led through the sea,
    your way through the mighty waters,
    though your footprints were not seen.

²⁰ You led your people like a flock
    by the hand of Moses and Aaron.”

This is only one way to renew and reinvigorate our faith during times of doubting: Remember. Reflect. Think on our Creator, the God of the Universe, who with a single word spoke our lives into existence. Such is his power; it is life and breath and everything else. It is limitless. That is the God who will fulfill His promises to you, though it may not be in your way or in your time. 

So, this is my challenge: Take some time to remember today. Reflect. Look back at journals if you have them; leaf through them and marvel at what God has done in your life and in the lives of those around you—He IS moving and working, I promise you. Then make it a habit. Set aside time every week or month if you can to delve into this practice of remembrance and reflection, and see how your doubts, questions and fears will instead be turned to praise and wondering at the incredible God we serve!