A Spiritual Depression

“Really? A person like you is single?”

“Why don’t you just try online dating?”

“You’re still so young. You have LOTS of time!”

“Don’t worry—the right person will come at the right time!”

Yes, a person like me is still single, and believably so, in my mind. I have tried online dating. You know, I don’t feel like the youngest person in the world. Yes, I know I still have lots of time. Above are things many people have told me when I vocalize my feelings about wanting to be a wife and have a family someday. They probably mean it to come off as consoling, but more often than not it comes off as condescending. I’m 26 years old, which isn’t exactly SO young, and for someone who wants to have a family someday, I don’t think it’s wrong for me to feel disappointed that this dream may never come true.

I see scores of single young women at my church like me—passionate for Christ, involved in their churches, excelling in their careers and still wanting to settle down and have a family. Yet they vastly outnumber the number of young men in attendance. Most men I spot at church are either married oron the arm of someone else already.

According to one website committed to changing the demographics and shrinking the gender gap in churches, on any given Sunday there are 13 million more women who attend than men (churchformen.org). Church congregations are, nationwide, 61% female and 39% male. This is not just a problem in America, though; it is pervasive worldwide. Apparently, “churches overseas report gender gaps of up to 9 women for every adult man in attendance.” Why is this? I blame it on the Spiritual Depression.

In 1920’s France, there was a high increase in the number of marriages linking a young woman to a much older gentleman. We’re talking 20+ years of a gap in age. Yikes. Look around Europe during the following twenty years, and you see a similar trend. Why? War. World War I decimated Europe’s population of young men, and the ensuing years heard them named The Lost Generation. In 1930's United States,  the same sort of thing happened, although it was the war of poverty that starved many women's hopes and dreams. My great grandmother was one of 12 children in her family, 9 girls and 3 boys. To my knowledge, less than half of the women were married. Why? The Great Depression. SO many were struggling financially and physically that marriage was out of the question. I would argue that we are seeing similar numbers of unmarried single women in churches today because of the Spiritual Depression.

We are entrenched in war. Not in a physical war, although that still remains a problem. We are fighting a spiritual war. Young men (and women) are falling as casualties in a war of lust, pornography, greed and narcissism. Pornography has raged rampant throughout our culture in the last 20 or so years since the birth of the internet and has ruined men’s minds in regards to how to have a healthy relationship with women, both platonically and romantically/sexually. The part that breaks my heart is that our culture has embraced and accepted this as “men being men.” NO! It goes SO much deeper than that!

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the fact that there are many young men in my generation with whom I am good friends and who have confided in me that they, too, have experienced the frustration of feeling that all of the quality women who follow Christ are already taken or are greatly dwindling in number. I don’t want to ignore that women have fallen casualties to different sets of cultural diseases. However, the statistics don’t lie. Men are far more at risk.

So, what can we do in all of this? To those of you who are like me—millenials feeling the weight of disappointment and broken dreams—you aren’t alone. Change that frustration into fuel to pray for our generation and for those who will come after us. Pray for strong young men and women who will fight the good fight of faith together.

For those of you who have been the ones saying, “Well, you’re so young!” or “Don’t worry—you still have time!” please stop. It doesn’t help. Instead, let us feel the weight of disappointment and say instead, “I’m sorry it is so hard for you. It sucks. Is there anything I can do?” Chances are, most of us will react more positively to that and will be grateful for the empathy. In all of this, we need to remember that we are broken people living in a broken world, and though it might not feel like it, Christ is still Sovereign. I may never see the realization of my dreams of being a wife and mother, but thank God there is so much more to life than that. Thank the Lord I have family and friends whom I love deeply, a LORD who cares more about my soul than my happiness, and a faith to get me through. These are the things that will never disappoint.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world's darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore take up the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you will be able to stand your ground, and having done everything, to stand...." ~Ephesians 6:12-13