I'm Trying not to Panic....

“Don’t worry,” my sister assured me as she glanced down at my phone in her lap. “It’s coming up in about a half a mile. I’ll tell you when.” I kept my eyes glued to the road ahead; dusk was falling, and without street lights and only 5% battery left on my phone, I was nervous about navigating our way to an unknown destination, an airbnb spot in Aromas, California. We’d started our day up in Muir Woods, where the scenery and road directions changed constantly. With the navigational difficulties we had encountered both in Muir Woods and again heading towards Aromas, I was hit by the uncanny parallel between our California road trip and my own life journey.

It’s only been two and a half weeks since my life-altering decision to move from the Midwest to California, and I’m struggling with it. I know it’s what God’s called me to do, but what should I do next? Just this next step of packing up and moving, along with an awaiting barista job at Starbucks, is the only thing that’s clear to me at the moment. And for a person who’d had her entire next five years of life planned out, this is TERRIFYING. Maybe that’s the point, though. It’s hard to trust God with my whole life when I’ve already had it planned out for myself. This brings to mind the passage in Proverbs that says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”, and again, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” There doesn’t exist a more relevant passage in scripture for me right now than these two verses.

Lately, I’ve trusted myself and my own plans, and have resisted giving over the day-to-day parts of my life to Jesus. This trip down the California coast and the weeks to come present one of the greatest challenges of faith I’ve yet to experience. I mulled this over on a walk down the sands of Sunset Beach that night and was suddenly startled out of my reverie by a flock of seagulls. Something spooked them and they rose as one shivering, speckled mass, curving to cross in front of the sinking sun. Their fluid motion and beautiful flight brought to mind Bible verses that speak of God’s provision for His children; if he cares so much for the birds of the air and flowers of the field, how can we doubt for a second His steadfast love and faithfulness in providing for His people (Matt. 6:26-28)? Jesus himself reminds us in Matthew 6:34, “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Does not each day have enough trouble of its own?”

I was encouraged by this revelation, and so chose to place the rest of my day into His hands. I also stopped worrying about planning out the rest of my life (this does not include goals. I think those are a totally different area). Why should I try to plan everything out? God’s plans will be so much greater than my own. I say this to give people hope. Please know that if you often find yourself succumbing to anxiety, you are not alone. Anxiety is a battle I face and something I struggle with daily. I’m convinced that Jesus wants to shine the brightest through this weakness of mine. Maybe one of the reasons I've been called here is that Christ may show the power of His might in changing my heart from one of anxiety and fear to one of assurance, faith, passion, and conviction. As the apostle Paul writes, “Therefore, not looking back at what has been, we strain on ahead, working for the prize set before us” (Phil. 3:13).

“Right here,” Elise pointed to the street sign glowing in our headlights. I took a left where she pointed. As she gave me each direction, I realized that was the only direction I needed to concern myself with. Too many directions at once, and I would easily become overwhelmed, yet not enough direction and I would not know where to turn. God is doing the same thing for me by illuminating only the next immediate step and nothing beyond that. Otherwise I would surely become overwhelmed. We turned onto a curving, quiet road and strained our eyes in the darkness to read the house numbers. We almost missed it, but caught it at the last second. “Whew!” I let out a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding in. “We’re here!”

Adventure is Calling, and I Must Go

I wasn’t going to move here. I told everyone very emphatically, “I’m just going there for two months, then I’ll be back, I promise!” But, as the waves slowly erode at rocks, changing and forming them into something new and more beautiful, so God has changed my heart through this summer and has called me to a new adventure. It started on one of our trips to the Pacific coast….

Eyes closed, I breathe in deeply; the delicious scent of salty ocean water fills my nostrils as the thunder of breaking waves caresses my ears. The ocean rages; it is a wild beast, yet being in its presence somehow sooths and comforts me. It comforts me because it points me to the God I serve—beautiful, wild, loving, in constant motion, yet giving a calm peace to the one who is near.

I open my eyes and peer down over the cliff and into the foaming depths of the Pacific Ocean below. Each wave is artwork, a display of color, motion and blending that moves to create a never-ending canvas of pure beauty. As one wave hits the rocks, it sends its white, grasping fingers racing over the water to reach the caves further in. As it does so, it collides with the water that now seeks to escape those caves, and as the waves meet they dance and move around each other, forming patterns with foam, each wave more eager than the last to create its own space. As the waters calm and the foam disintegrates, along comes another wave to upheave the delicate balance and the cycle starts all over again. It is sheer and utter beauty to my eyes, and I let the sight fill my mind as the rest of my senses soak in the cool, moist air, the crying of gulls, the rush of the sea, the firm stone of the cliff beneath my feet. After weeks of non-stop heat, and working 10-hour days in a merciless, baking sun at 6,000 feet elevation, this is heaven. Tendrils of hair escape my hastily-constructed bun and whip about my face, stinging my cheeks that are pulled tight with a grin I can’t hold back. I am in love.

I AM in love, truly. In love with experiences, in love with the God who creates these stunning masterpieces of creation, in love with having the time and space to enjoy this. As I stare out at the Pacific coast, a crazy thought niggles at the corner of my mind: “Drop everything and move out here.” I push it away, sure it’s only a passing thought, and don’t let it consume my mind again until a week later.

Each post I’ve created on Instagram or Facebook this summer has come with the saying: #adventureiscalling. Our church here hosts a weekend family camp each summer, and the theme of this year’s camp was “Adventure is Calling”. The pastor began by identifying the meaning of adventure, which is “to engage in something that involves risk, where the outcome is uncertain”. The thought seized me again: “Drop everything and move out here.” As he continued with his sermon, the pastor commented on how we all have choices, adventures that God calls us to, even though they might seem crazy and they might push us out of our comfort zone. His statement stuck with me: “You can’t grow in your comfort zone.” I looked over at my best friend who was sitting across the way from me, as she’d been shooting pointed glances my way throughout the sermon. “Quit your job!” she mouthed.

Thus began an adventure in and of itself, of excruciating soul-searching, a process that turned my insides out and had me on my knees for days. As I honestly considered moving to California, I questioned my motives: Why? Why now? Wouldn't it be too crazy? Is this what I really want? The answers stunned me. Yes, I wanted to move out here, but each time I thought about it negative thoughts and misgivings would pound into me, “Then you would be quitting what God told you to do—He called you to teach. And if you’re not a classroom teacher, then you’re not following His calling, and that’s wrong.” It became apparent to me that my entire viewpoint for staying or going was based entirely on lies, entirely on falsehoods about who God is and how much He loves us.

I am a person who believes that God cares more about our holiness than our happiness. I have struggled in choosing the right path before, because I always want to please God the most, and I’m willing to undergo hardships to glorify Him. But what if sometimes, the Lord directs my steps into exactly what I’ve been praying for and dreaming for over years’ worth of time? I learned a very important lesson: God does not seek to make me miserable. Sure, there are rough parts to the paths that I follow in order to glorify Him, and I have experienced many of them. However, He is not a dictatorial, demanding general giving orders to His soldiers, expecting them to follow Him out of duty and obligation and fear. Instead, His word says, “Perfect love casts out all fear”, and “Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!” I’d forgotten what that was like. Forgotten how much God loves me and cares for me and wants what is best for me. Forgotten how to serve Him out of love and joy, instead of out of obligation and fear.

Let me tell you, friends, what a FREEING revelation that was! After realizing this, I discovered that the choice set before me was not a choice of bad vs. good, or right vs. wrong. God can and will use me to glorify Him, no matter in which capacity it is. That definitely made the decision harder for me. As I was thinking and journaling through these thoughts, God revealed even more to me that was confirmed by others’ wise words.

I think that sometimes Christians can get too caught up in wondering if we’re in the exact right place, using our talents in the exact right avenues and serving the exact right people so much so that our focus is no longer on serving and loving others for Christ. Instead, it’s focused on us—it becomes self-centered, egotistical, and controlling—rather than glorifying to God and enjoying Him forever. And what an incredible lie by Satan. If he can paralyze us with the fear of, “Am I doing this right? Is this the exact right choice?” when something is within God’s moral will, then we won’t ever step out in faith, we won’t take risks, and we’ll be far more ineffective for Christ. Jesus wants us to serve Him out of love and joy, not out of obligation or with a fear-filled heart.

As I spent a day in concerted prayer and deep time alone with my Lord, I read through my journal from this summer. As I read through, certain phrases and prayers stuck out like giant neon signs, pointing in this direction. “I’ve only been here for 10 days, and it feels like 10 months!” I exclaimed in my writing, and went on to explain how much I feel at home here, how I don’t feel judged for who I am and how the lifestyle so fits who I am at my core. My prayers centered around having an open heart and mind to do what God wants me to do for Him, what God wants of me on this adventure. I prayed continually for guidance, from my very first days here. The pattern became pretty clear: If I were to go back and teach at my same job, it would be good. I would work my hardest, try my best and would love my students, and I would try to find joy in each day. However, if I were to take the leap of faith and follow God’s direction here to California, it would be better.

So, sure, there are lots of unknowns. There’s a lot I have to get finished in the next few weeks, but I’m taking the step of faith. When God led the Israelites over the Jordan river into the Promised Land, He didn’t part the waters for them like He had in the Red Sea. Instead, He waited for His people to step out in faith, and sure enough, He showed up and brought them across into the land He had promised to them. I can’t wait to see how He will show up in this next adventure.

All this brings to mind a quote I saw on the artwork of a wall in San Fransisco’s Mission district: “Nothing in the world is as soft, as weak, as water. Nothing else can wear away stone and remain unaltered. Soft overcomes hard, weak overcomes strong.” Not that I have a stone heart, but in a sense, all of us do, and God usually doesn’t come crashing down on us, pummeling us into submission to Him. Instead, His Spirit works quietly, continually, lovingly, to erode away our fears and the parts of our hearts that aren’t in submission to Him until our hearts are totally changed. I prayed so hard this summer that God would change my heart, and give me His desires for my life. He has, and I can’t wait to see what this next adventure brings.

“It is not what we do that matters, but what a Sovereign God chooses to do through us.” ~Charles Colson

“The meaning of earthly existence lies, not as we have grown used to thinking, in prospering, but in the development of the soul.” ~Alexander Solzhenitsyn