I quit Facebook, and this is what I learned....

“Hm, what should I look up?” I wondered, as I grabbed my iPad, plopped on the couch and tapped the Google chrome icon. Usually, my finger would automatically reach for the Facebook icon, and then start the scroll through a clogged newsfeed. Ever since I’d gotten rid of it, I’d felt a new freedom to use my time in more productive ways. “Let’s do some more research on dog breeds,” I thought. I’ve been thinking for awhile now that I want to get a dog, and I’m a firm believer in researching breeds that will fit well with my lifestyle. Without the usual time-suck that Facebook brings, I’m finally able to sit down and do some searching and planning.

Extra time isn’t the only bonus of leaving Facebook. I’ve taken a hiatus for a month, maybe a bit longer, and I’ve noticed that I’m more content. Although I am largely happy with the life I lead and love what I do, social media presents a projected image of the highlights of people’s lives, their “glory moments” so to speak, and this in turn can lead to comparison. I’d started wondering if what I really had WAS great, or if I was, in fact, missing out on something vital that other people seemed to have found. This lead to the inevitable and contagious disease called “Fear Of Missing Out”, dubbed “FOMO” for short. Since I’ve been off of Facebook, I have recognized a decline in FOMO, and have felt freer to live life in the moment, enjoy it for what it is, and be more grateful for what I DO have, rather than wanting anything more.

Oddly enough, I have also noticed a decrease in my spending habits on things that I want rather than need. Now when I go to stores, I bypass material things that just a month ago would have tempted me with the promise of eliciting positive reactions from others like, “Oh that dress is SO cute!” or, “I love your scarf! Where did you get it?” Instead, I go straight to, “Do I want this, or do I NEED it?” In this change, I have identified a correlation between wanting to impress others on social media posts and spending money on things I didn’t need. I did this because I felt the need to project that image of the “perfect happy life”.

In addition to a general increase in emotional happiness and a more padded pocketbook, I’ve been able to deepen the relationships that I already have. I personally believe that there is a natural ebb and flow to life, a cycle, an introduction of people into our lives just for certain seasons. Then their presence fades as we eventually part ways to new life seasons. Facebook, however, tempts us to hold on to relationships that we otherwise would not continue.

Research shows that humans are meant to have a limited number of relationships. We only have the emotional and physical capacity to stay in touch with so many people at a time. This includes about 3-5 people in our very close circle of friends and family, then an outer circle that constitutes about 12-15 people. Beyond that, naturally and healthily, we should have shallower relationships with any larger number of people.

On Facebook, many people have anywhere from 300-1,500 “friends”. This is far too many. The truth may sound callous, cold, and unfeeling to some, but anyone who has spent a considerable amount of time researching human health and well-being knows that it is wise for us to set boundaries in our lives: in work, in social commitments, in time, and yes, even in our relationships and interactions with other people. This does not mean we should lack compassion and empathy for those in dire circumstances or for strangers, but if we are not spreading ourselves so thin with meaningless interactions on Facebook or other social media channels, logically we should have MORE compassion and empathy and emotional capacity to love and take care of others as we should instead of squandering it through a digital newsfeed.

So, by leaving Facebook, those who belong in this present life season of mine do not magically disappear. The relationships instead become stronger and more secure. I’ve become a better listener. I’ve become more conscientious and intentional in my connections with others, and so have felt a deeper connection with those in my closer circle of friends. I invest more thoughtfully in specific relationships because I don’t worry about keeping up too many other fringe relationships or contacts.

Finally, we’re back to the first change I noticed after I quitted Facebook: time. Whether I like admitting it or not, Facebook was a real time-consumer for me. With the time I’ve saved from being on social media, I have explored various other money-making possibilities, have invested more in my teaching career, and have spent more time doing things that I love an am passionate about—writing, speech-making, growing my musical talents, and creating products to sell on teacher websites. I’d say that’s a pretty good trade-off.

Friends and strangers, if these are the benefits that I’ve noticed in my life just in the past month, I can’t wait to see the long-term benefits I will experience from having a healthier attitude towards this site. I hope that, even if you don’t agree with some of my points, you can take some time to actually reflect on how you’re choosing to invest your time, energy, and emotions. If you feel Facebook encourages a healthier lifestyle for you, great! If not, it might be time to say “good-bye” to social media and hello to a deeper, more satisfying, and more fulfilling life that is no longer projected through technological means but instead is visible to the real world around you. I guarantee you—it’ll be worth it.

Don't Let Comparison Steal Your Joy

“What do I always tell you?” I gently encouraged one of my students, “All that I expect of you is YOUR best. Not someone else’s best. I want you to do the best that you can do; that’s all I ask. You know that. Did you work hard?” The seven-year-old in front of me hastily tried to blink back the tears that threatened to spill over. “Y-y-es”, she stammered. I smiled at her, trying to meet her downcast eyes, “Then is that all that matters?” Slowly, she nodded. “Okay,” I finished briskly, “Where do we put our things when they’re done?” My student quickly responded, “In the ‘turn-it-in’ bin.” I nodded, and then added, “I can’t wait to read everything that you’ve written! Nice work.” Knowing then that our short conference was over, my second-grader turned and made her way over to the lime green basket that has served as our “Turn-it-in Bin” for the past year or so.

I wish I could say this sort of scene was not a regular one, but I often encounter my students in such a state after various assignments or projects. Sometimes, it is pure frustration at how difficult the subject matter is, but many other times, it is frustration because they think that their work isn’t as good as so-and-so’s. I also wish I could say that this sort of scene isn’t replayed again at adult levels, but unfortunately, it is. In fact, how many of us, as we read this, think of a circumstance in our own lives where we have felt similarly to this young seven-year-old? Admit it—we too, as adults, have situations where we feel our best isn’t enough. It isn’t as good as someone else’s, and therefore, it isn’t worth showing anyone. Well, if I thought that way about my writing, you wouldn’t even be reading this. I am perfectly aware of the fact that I am not even close to the level of great authors, or even good ones, but that doesn’t stop me. If I just gave up because I’m not the best, and because there are others better than me, then the world would be deprived of my talents and the good gifts that I have been given. The same goes for others.

The lesson I am trying to instill in my young students is that, if they spend their time comparing their work with others and lamenting its deficiencies, then they will miss out on being able to be proud of what they have accomplished. They’ll miss out on the essential feeling of accomplishment, that which encourages us to keep working, to keep striving, to go further than we have before. In an article published by The Utopian Life a couple of years ago, both dopamine and serotonin, essential for health, positive outlook, and well-being are released when someone achieves a goal, feels a sense of accomplishment, or reflects with thankfulness on a past accomplishment or goal that they have achieved. Without these chemicals being released in our brains, humans become lonely, depressed, and can lose joy and hope in our lives. Therefore, it is imperative that students at a young age can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment in their work. Not only will this set a healthy foundation for further growth and brain development, but it will also start to establish positive patterns in goal-setting and achieving.

Comparison steals joy. I see this starting at a very young age in my students, and I also see it threaten to steal my own joy as an adult. I see it crush dreams, destroy relationships, and ruin quality of life. Now, I’m not saying that we all need “participation” medals and all need to feel special for everything. I’m saying that when we work hard, achieve a goal, and do our best, that IS noteworthy and is something to be celebrated. If we don’t, we fall prey to comparing ourselves to others, feeling depressed because we “can’t do anything that’s good”, and in the end will be far less productive and encouraging individuals. So, next time you find yourself comparing, stop. Instead, turn your mind to what you have done that you are proud of. And learn, in humility, to acknowledge excellence in others’ work. Don’t be afraid to admit that your passions or talents don’t lie in the same areas as another person. That’s good. God made us all different for a reason. But also don’t be afraid to feel accomplished and proud of the hard work you’ve done that has led to excellence and positive results. Allow that dopamine release. Relish in it. Then set some more goals and keep charging on.