I'm Trying not to Panic....

“Don’t worry,” my sister assured me as she glanced down at my phone in her lap. “It’s coming up in about a half a mile. I’ll tell you when.” I kept my eyes glued to the road ahead; dusk was falling, and without street lights and only 5% battery left on my phone, I was nervous about navigating our way to an unknown destination, an airbnb spot in Aromas, California. We’d started our day up in Muir Woods, where the scenery and road directions changed constantly. With the navigational difficulties we had encountered both in Muir Woods and again heading towards Aromas, I was hit by the uncanny parallel between our California road trip and my own life journey.

It’s only been two and a half weeks since my life-altering decision to move from the Midwest to California, and I’m struggling with it. I know it’s what God’s called me to do, but what should I do next? Just this next step of packing up and moving, along with an awaiting barista job at Starbucks, is the only thing that’s clear to me at the moment. And for a person who’d had her entire next five years of life planned out, this is TERRIFYING. Maybe that’s the point, though. It’s hard to trust God with my whole life when I’ve already had it planned out for myself. This brings to mind the passage in Proverbs that says, “Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails”, and again, “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” There doesn’t exist a more relevant passage in scripture for me right now than these two verses.

Lately, I’ve trusted myself and my own plans, and have resisted giving over the day-to-day parts of my life to Jesus. This trip down the California coast and the weeks to come present one of the greatest challenges of faith I’ve yet to experience. I mulled this over on a walk down the sands of Sunset Beach that night and was suddenly startled out of my reverie by a flock of seagulls. Something spooked them and they rose as one shivering, speckled mass, curving to cross in front of the sinking sun. Their fluid motion and beautiful flight brought to mind Bible verses that speak of God’s provision for His children; if he cares so much for the birds of the air and flowers of the field, how can we doubt for a second His steadfast love and faithfulness in providing for His people (Matt. 6:26-28)? Jesus himself reminds us in Matthew 6:34, “Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Does not each day have enough trouble of its own?”

I was encouraged by this revelation, and so chose to place the rest of my day into His hands. I also stopped worrying about planning out the rest of my life (this does not include goals. I think those are a totally different area). Why should I try to plan everything out? God’s plans will be so much greater than my own. I say this to give people hope. Please know that if you often find yourself succumbing to anxiety, you are not alone. Anxiety is a battle I face and something I struggle with daily. I’m convinced that Jesus wants to shine the brightest through this weakness of mine. Maybe one of the reasons I've been called here is that Christ may show the power of His might in changing my heart from one of anxiety and fear to one of assurance, faith, passion, and conviction. As the apostle Paul writes, “Therefore, not looking back at what has been, we strain on ahead, working for the prize set before us” (Phil. 3:13).

“Right here,” Elise pointed to the street sign glowing in our headlights. I took a left where she pointed. As she gave me each direction, I realized that was the only direction I needed to concern myself with. Too many directions at once, and I would easily become overwhelmed, yet not enough direction and I would not know where to turn. God is doing the same thing for me by illuminating only the next immediate step and nothing beyond that. Otherwise I would surely become overwhelmed. We turned onto a curving, quiet road and strained our eyes in the darkness to read the house numbers. We almost missed it, but caught it at the last second. “Whew!” I let out a breath I didn’t even know I’d been holding in. “We’re here!”