What It's Like

I
don't 
recognize
myself
like
this.

I hate it when 
anxiety rips through my mind like the wind through the trees
and when
depression freezes my heart in dark fear and locks me away from the world.

Anxiety
is the wind
pulling at the treetops
bending them this way
and that
and though they have
strong trunks,
the trees are helpless:
pulled
twisted
tossed
thrashing
as a million possibilities of the future
all dark
and sure of the worst possible outcome,
pull my thoughts
into
a wild vortex
of nightmare
after nightmare.
So are my thoughts when anxiety
sends its cold winds to assail me.


Depression is feeling ice
steal over my heart
like winter ice
steals over a pond
and seals it closed from the world.
I am numb to all
except the building chaos
of worries that crowd my brain.
I stand in a sea of people

alone

surrounded by walls I've built
to keep people 
from seeing my
weakness
pain
vulnerability,
and the uncontrollable crazy
that roars 
like a hungry beast
inside my brain.

I allow the ice
to freeze over
and
to lock me in
so none can see
and run in fear
of my 
neediness,
sadness
and inability to seaparate
the nightmares I imagine
from reality.
They would judge
and run
and then
I would truly be

alone.

BUT.

God is
the protective hand
that shields the treetops 
from cold wind; 
He is the roots 
that keep the tree grounded
and He keeps me grounded
through His word of TRUTH.
He speaks calm
over a thousand storms
that rage
and even though 
I may be like this
for the rest of my days
I will be healed 
in this life 
or in the next
and anxiety's tempest
will be eternally
silenced.

God is
the sunlight
the warmth
that slowly melts and cracks the ice
as He speaks tender words of
love,
grace,
mercy,
ACCEPTANCE
and beauty
of me 
even in this state
where my mind and my heart and my soul
are ragged and weary
and spent.
He is
the vines
that tenderly thread up and over
and pull down the walls of depression.

There is hope.

Because.

I have found
that
in openness lies my healing,
in honesty I find grace
not judgement,
welcoming arms
not those that push me away,
warm embraces
from friends
and counselors
who will help me on this journey.
There was no need 
to fear
because God's perfect LOVE
casts out fear.
And 
the ice
and the walls
slowly,
slowly,
disappear.

Finally.

I
am
becoming
ME
again.