Take Time to Be Still

Thump, thump, thump. My wheel bumped along the pavement and I gritted my teeth with the sound. There must be something in the wheel, or….I’ll have to get someone to look at it next week? I rolled my eyes in annoyance. Great. More car trouble—just what I didn’t need on a Saturday night errand-run in Reno, 20 miles from home. I put pressure on the gas pedal and frowned; I had to press harder to get my car in gear than I usually would have, which was disconcerting. As I straightened out onto the street, understanding dawned. Making sure that no one was coming behind or around me, I let go of the steering wheel and my car immediately swerved to the left. Dang it. I’ve got a flat. That knowledge took the wind out of my lungs as surely as the air had leaked from my tire. Well, there go all my weekend plans.

I have a perpetual problem of over-working myself. As a young, single woman, I find a sense of security in financial stability, and moving out to California put a dent in my bank account and conversely fueled my ambitions to attack life and stuff away as much cash as possible in the coming months. So, I currently work 6-7 days a week at five different jobs, pick up extra shifts when I can, and am volunteering and serving at my church two days a week. I don’t say this out of pride; in fact I say it as a word of warning: this much work is a fast track to burn out.

By quitting my teaching job and taking some more low-key, part time jobs, I’d hoped to have MORE and not LESS time to rest. Well, I was wrong. This current lifestyle is racking up a higher number of work hours with fewer breaks in the day than I had while I was teaching. My car has become my closest companion, as I’m constantly on the go from one thing to the next, and free time is eaten up by driving (it seems that everywhere in Truckee is a 15-20 minute drive from everywhere else I need to be) or social events. The only benefit (and it is definitely a positive point) I’ve seen in this change is that I’ve experienced far less emotional stress bleeding into my personal life from my work life.

The main negative side-effect that I’ve noticed from non-stop work apart from lack of rest, however, is that with all of the schedule juggling and planning my brain manages and organizes every day, I have a tendency to think that I am the one in control of my schedule, my finances, and my future. That thought pathway has not led to confidence, though; it’s led to more worry and anxiety, and I now understand why: Whenever difficult or inconvenient circumstances arise, if I think that I’m the one in charge of my life, I choose to shoulder the burdens while forgetting that God is actually the one providing for me and taking care of everything. It’s taken a flat tire, an infection, and two subsequent doctor’s office visits in the span of 3 days for God to grab my attention: I am not the one in charge; I am not god of my life.

In my devotional on Friday, the opening line stated, “Take time to be still in God’s presence.” I had silently nodded in agreement with those words, thinking, Yeah, yeah, I know I need to do that. And I will, but later, when I have more time. Well, God definitely arranged it. Sure, I know that flat tires and infections are and can be just a natural part of life’s rhythms. However, in this case, I truly believe God wanted to remind me of an important lesson in a loving way: I need to proactively carve out time to be still and know. When I don’t, my life usually spirals out of control, consumed with to-do lists, ambitions and busy plans. I lose perspective of Who is really taking care of me in all situations.

I ran towards the sliding doors of the Home Depot—I’d pulled into the nearest well-lit parking lot, and blessed the Lord that it was a still-open Home Depot. The only other better places for a car breakdown would have been in front of a mechanic’s shop or an O’Reilly’s or Napa Auto Parts store. However, at 8pm on the Saturday before President’s Day, Home Depot had the advantage of still being open. I also knew it would contain the kind of people who could probably help me—Do-it-Yourself-ers. As I hurried in, a Home Depot employee walked into the aisle right in front of me. I quickly approached, explained the situation, and within minutes I had a slough of people ready to help. Three employees were ready to help with tire irons and a jack, and two strangers who overheard my predicament also jumped in and offered to help and be my go-to in case something happened on my way home from Reno. We fixed the tire without much further incident, but because it was Saturday and no tire stores were still open, I was facing a full Sunday at home without the ability to travel freely, especially because snow was expected that day (and came). Driving in Truckee during a snowstorm is precarious at best, and with a spare tire? No one is foolish enough to attempt that.

What appeared to be an inconvenience at first glance was, in fact, a providential event. I was stuck at home, by myself, for an entire day. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d allowed my body and mind to relax and unwind like this. I wish it hadn’t taken a flat tire for God to force me to stay home for a day and do what’s best for me. I have to get better at recognizing my need for solitude, rest, and time in His Presence, and then honoring that need. There’s a reason the Bible voices this as a command, and not just a piece of advice: to be still and know is a necessary practice for us. When we take time to stop life and to just be, we are able to reflect, to change our perspectives, and to recognize that no matter what happens in life, flat tires and all, God IS. This is why, despite a few more financial and health setbacks, I feel refreshed and at peace that God will take care of me through anything, no matter what.

P.S. Speaking of providence, did I mention that the flat tire ended up being a quick, $13.50 fix? Incredible.

“He says, ‘Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.’ The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.” 

~Psalm 46:10-11

What It's Like

I
don't 
recognize
myself
like
this.

I hate it when 
anxiety rips through my mind like the wind through the trees
and when
depression freezes my heart in dark fear and locks me away from the world.

Anxiety
is the wind
pulling at the treetops
bending them this way
and that
and though they have
strong trunks,
the trees are helpless:
pulled
twisted
tossed
thrashing
as a million possibilities of the future
all dark
and sure of the worst possible outcome,
pull my thoughts
into
a wild vortex
of nightmare
after nightmare.
So are my thoughts when anxiety
sends its cold winds to assail me.


Depression is feeling ice
steal over my heart
like winter ice
steals over a pond
and seals it closed from the world.
I am numb to all
except the building chaos
of worries that crowd my brain.
I stand in a sea of people

alone

surrounded by walls I've built
to keep people 
from seeing my
weakness
pain
vulnerability,
and the uncontrollable crazy
that roars 
like a hungry beast
inside my brain.

I allow the ice
to freeze over
and
to lock me in
so none can see
and run in fear
of my 
neediness,
sadness
and inability to seaparate
the nightmares I imagine
from reality.
They would judge
and run
and then
I would truly be

alone.

BUT.

God is
the protective hand
that shields the treetops 
from cold wind; 
He is the roots 
that keep the tree grounded
and He keeps me grounded
through His word of TRUTH.
He speaks calm
over a thousand storms
that rage
and even though 
I may be like this
for the rest of my days
I will be healed 
in this life 
or in the next
and anxiety's tempest
will be eternally
silenced.

God is
the sunlight
the warmth
that slowly melts and cracks the ice
as He speaks tender words of
love,
grace,
mercy,
ACCEPTANCE
and beauty
of me 
even in this state
where my mind and my heart and my soul
are ragged and weary
and spent.
He is
the vines
that tenderly thread up and over
and pull down the walls of depression.

There is hope.

Because.

I have found
that
in openness lies my healing,
in honesty I find grace
not judgement,
welcoming arms
not those that push me away,
warm embraces
from friends
and counselors
who will help me on this journey.
There was no need 
to fear
because God's perfect LOVE
casts out fear.
And 
the ice
and the walls
slowly,
slowly,
disappear.

Finally.

I
am
becoming
ME
again.

Looking for Answers

Scritch, scritch, scratch, scritch, scritch, scratch….I breathed in deeply and bent my body into the arc of the curve, crossing skate over skate so I could turn faster. Slowly my arms unfurled and I relished in the feeling of flight as my blades skimmed over the ice. This is peace. The thought settled over my mind like the warmth of a close friend’s embrace as I quickly spun around and let the worries of the day and the chaos and the noise all evaporate until there was nothing but the sound of my skates on the ice and the rushing wind. This was an answer to prayer.

Just the day before, I’d contemplated the busy week ahead that would leave little time for social interaction and exercise, and frustration immediately flooded my mind and heart. Discouragement reared its ugly head, and I was in desperate need of encouragement and joy to fight back against its grasping claws. I sighed as I pulled out my Bible and journal and started to scrawl out my prayers: I prayed specifically for encouragement from others the next day, and that I could find joy in my day.

Fast forward 12+ hours, where I stood on the icy playground, keeping an eye on the students scrambling through the snow. Despite the chill in the air, my heart felt light and warm. My coworkers had expressed to me how much they enjoyed working with me and had complimented my character, leaving my face glowing with an odd combination of self-consciousness and joy. I’d responded by thanking them and telling them that their kind words were a literal answer to prayer.

Later in the day, I was chatting with a friend, and he also had kind words for me in answer to my frustrations about the lack of quality men my age in my area. His words had precisely addressed the doubts I’d been feeling about myself lately, and spoke truth and encouragement to my frustrations. Another answer to prayer.

As I drew out my journal that night, it was in eagerness to write down the ways God had specifically answered my prayers from just the day before. I started writing, and then slowed down as a thought hit me: What if I had prayed those specific prayers, but then didn’t look in faith for their answers? What if I’d just forgotten about them? How many times HAVE I done that and have then missed the answers from the Lord who loves me? Granted, I know that not all my specific prayers have been answered yet, but I trust now more than ever that God is working towards their fulfillment, in my career, relationships, and family. Sometimes I wonder if our complaints about unanswered prayers are in part due to our own forgetful nature. So I am fueled even more now to look continually for God’s faithfulness every day, specifically in the area of praying and patiently watching.

In Psalm 5, King David speaks to this very thing:

            “In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.”

Notice, he says that he lays his requests before the Lord. I’m pretty good at that. Sometimes I wonder if God is tired of hearing my voice, honestly, that’s how much I lay prayer requests before him. BUT, this isn’t where it ends for King David. The end of the verse says that he will then “wait expectantly.” Well, let’s be honest, I’m not very good at that part. How many of us are? Maybe you are. If so, please let me in on your secrets, because I really struggle in this area. I’m grateful for the Bible’s reminder of this second part of the prayer process. I need it.

As I rounded the next corner, I couldn’t keep the grin of exhilaration from stealing over my face. JOY. Pure joy. That’s what I feel every time I skate. I’m not the best skater in the world by any means; barely a day on the ice goes by where I don’t wipe out spectacularly, and I can’t do cool jumps or spins, but I can speed like nothing else, and I LOVE it. I skate because it brings me joy, and this night was no exception. Yet another specifically answered prayer. I put my earbuds back in my ears and listened to the final notes of one of my favorite songs and slowly twirled to a stop as the music ended. I slowly glided to the bench and let the emotions wash over me. What a joyous end to an answered-prayer day.

"He Restores my Soul...."

A winter sun hangs low in the sky, its weak rays attempting to filter through the November clouds. I shiver as an icy wind blasts my face, and increase my pace, anxious to reach my car’s warmth and shelter from the cold. I definitely don’t miss this pat of living here, nor do I miss the crowds of people that clog both stores and freeways. Traffic. Ugh. I quickly open the car door, turn on the heated seats, clasp my seatbelt and ease my foot on the gas pedal to reverse out of my parking spot and onto the street.

I’m really happy I made this trip. I needed it. These first couple of months after moving had sapped all of my strength, and I needed a boost of confidence and restoration for my weary soul. Beautiful verses from Psalm 23 slip gently into my mind, and I silently breathe out a prayer of thanksgiving for this rest. “The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters; He restores my soul.”

It reminds me of the wonderful coastal trip my sister and I made back in August. I re-read through my journal last night, and smiled as I came across my entries that painted the beauty of the landscape we traversed; yet another reminder that God will give me rest for my soul when I need it. All I need to do is look for it:

“The best part of the day was navigating our way from Napa to Petaluma. The sun was slowly falling from its lofty midday heights and would soon rest on the peaks of the mountains. Its rays shimmered and danced through quivering leaves, and as we emerged from the tree tunnels, I gasped. The road dipped down, nestled and curved between gently rolling hills that were lined with grapes on one side and dotted with grazing cattle on the other. In the distance sat austere mountain peaks, grey and misty in the late afternoon haze. The entire scene provoked a thought in my mind, ‘I bet this is a bit of what heaven will look like.’ One of my favorite Italian songs, L’Appuntamento, flooded sweetly into my ears as I nudged the steering wheel and turned the car around the next curve. Spired trees and Tuscan-looking architecture appeared in my view, and for a fleeting moment, I could easily imagine that I was back in Italy. Peace. That was peace. So much has been crazy and hectic and scattered in my life over the past three weeks, so I can’t even begin to describe how welcome the feeling if peace is to my spirit and soul.”

I’m grateful that God reminded me of that trip three months ago, when my life was just as crazy as it is now, and even more so because of all the unknowns I faced then that have answers attached to them now. God gave me a respite in the midst of turmoil, just as He gave me rest this past weekend that I spent in Minnesota. In addition to appreciating these times of rest, I’m also learning more and more the accessibility of His peace no matter what each day holds. I am learning the importance of enjoying each and every day that I’m given, whether that includes kids calling me “SUCKER!” to my face, me accidentally exploding cans of whipped cream in the Starbucks back room and subsequent cleanup it requires, having customers yell at me for making a drink incorrectly, or flat tires and disappointed relationship expectations. I can’t change these circumstances, but in the midst of them, I’m able to retreat to that little corner of peace that God has cultivated in my heart through beautiful memories and the power of His word:

“Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.” –Galatians 5:25

I’m grateful for a God who provides access to peace when His children find themselves weary in soul and downtrodden in spirit. He knows just what we need and gives us the strength to go on.

I groan as I encounter the dreaded orange cones and inevitable arrows that are directing traffic to go down from two lanes to one. Just one of the unfortunate side effects of travelling in the city, and one that I’ll continue to endure for as long as I keep coming back to visit family. I roll my eyes as yet another car tries to budge its way in front of me instead of behind, like it should. I feel familiar road rage start to bubble up, and then I suppress it with a sigh instead. I can’t change the fact that construction is STILL going on, but I can choose my attitude. What good would it do me to be angry about it, anyway? I’m not going to be in Roseville for much longer, so I might as well soak up the annoyances that come with the joy of being back in familiar territory. So, I think back again on the verses of Psalm 23, “He leads me beside still waters….”, and soak it all in, instead. I’ll be glad to be back in California, but I also know I’ll think back with fondness on the bitter cold and frustrating traffic as comforting, homey aspects of life. So, I focus on God’s peace. I’m grateful I’m here. I’m grateful for each day, each moment, each second of life. It’s a gift, and I don’t want to waste any part of it.

Not My Plans

“Oh maaaaan,” I grumbled, and purposely thumped my head back against the headrest in annoyance. “I canNOT believe this!” I’d just pulled into the Truckee Tahoe School District office, early for my 9:30 appointment to sign paperwork that would solidify my new paraprofessional position. Reaching for my tote bag, I had rifled through to make sure that I had all the documentation necessary for tax forms, I-9 forms, etc. and only then had realized that my passport was still 15 miles away in Floriston, sitting on top of my file box where I’d left it this morning. I groaned as I slipped out my cell to call the HR director and beg to change my appointment time.

Ten minutes later, I was flying on I-80, windows down and music up, driving back to grab my passport. As I rolled past the picturesque landscape, I thought again about how disappointing this was, to hit yet another snag in the road during my first few weeks here. I’d already dealt with buying a car, getting a flat tire, having to replace all tires and struts on my car, and spend far more on establishing myself here than I’d planned. There were DMV title changes, driver’s license registrations, fingerprints, applications, tests and other assorted fees. To be so close now to signing onto another job that would make my lifestyle here possible and then to realize I’d left key paperwork behind only added to my frustration. I knew that I would still make it back for an appointment and that things would work out, but this was another hiccup, and I desperately wanted to done and finally feel established in my new home.

It was the mist that caught my attention. Slowly rising from the valley below, it shrouded the base of the mountains in its blanket, and with the sun reflecting off of the light particles, it cast them in the most beautiful light and dark shades of blue. How could I be frustrated and disappointed when THIS was my view? Sure, my emotions were still present and valid, but as I turned my thoughts pointedly towards things I was grateful for, I found the negativity disappear like the mist in the morning sun. I realized that this trip back to Floriston was a gift. I could get on a more professional change of clothes and freshen up a bit. I could grab a quick second breakfast. I direly needed to get gas in my car, and Verdi, Nevada was only 10 minutes down the road from home for an extra 80 cents off California prices per gallon. No, this wasn’t what I had planned for my morning, but it turned out to be so much better; what had started as a setback turned into a blessing.

Since then, I’ve experienced numerous things that haven’t gone as I would’ve liked; my job schedule is far too crazy and unsustainable for me, leading to sickness and a non-existent social life, something I can’t live without. I’ve had to cut back on hours, resulting in a lower monthly income. But through that process, I found out that my paraprofessional job is giving me a steady wage each month, regardless of vacation days, sick days, etc., and they even cover vacations, holidays, and sick days. This was an unexpected provision straight from God’s hand. He knew I would become overwhelmed by work and has provided a way for me to still meet my needs and yet not wither away from lack of friendships and fun in my life. Each setback I’ve endured has come with an outpouring of generous gifts from my Heavenly Father, and reminds me of the verses that He has been pressing into my heart over and over this past month:

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.” ~Isaiah 55:8-9

“In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” ~Proverbs 16:9

I smiled as I pulled into the District Center for the second time that day. My renewed and freshened perspective would guard my heart against the disappointments that loomed ahead, still unbeknownst to me. Regardless of these further setbacks, I made it through and eventually got everything finished. Through this experience, God is slowly and surely teaching me how to praise Him and be grateful IN ALL circumstances. Choosing where to fix our minds has such power, and I’m grateful that God is training me in this, as it is transforming me into a happier person who is more and more trusting of His plans for my life. Thank goodness for that!