Wonderings, thoughts, convictions, and motivations for living life to the fullest in a world where capitalism reigns king and we millenials aren't sure about anything.
Sunday, May 20, 2018
Friday, February 23, 2018
Take Time to Be Still
Thump, thump, thump. My
wheel bumped along the pavement and I gritted my teeth with the sound. There must be something in the wheel, or….I’ll
have to get someone to look at it next week? I rolled my eyes in annoyance.
Great. More car trouble—just what I didn’t need on a Saturday night errand-run
in Reno, 20 miles from home. I put pressure on the gas pedal and frowned; I had
to press harder to get my car in gear than I usually would have, which was
disconcerting. As I straightened out onto the street, understanding dawned.
Making sure that no one was coming behind or around me, I let go of the
steering wheel and my car immediately swerved to the left. Dang it. I’ve got a flat.
That knowledge took the wind out of my lungs as surely as the air had leaked
from my tire. Well, there go all my
weekend plans.
I have a perpetual problem of over-working myself. As a
young, single woman, I find a sense of security in financial stability, and
moving out to California put a dent in my bank account and conversely fueled my
ambitions to attack life and stuff away as much cash as possible in the coming
months. So, I currently work 6-7 days a week at five different jobs, pick up
extra shifts when I can, and am volunteering and serving at my church two days
a week. I don’t say this out of pride; in fact I say it as a word of warning:
this much work is a fast track to burn out.
By quitting my teaching job and taking some more low-key,
part time jobs, I’d hoped to have MORE and not LESS time to rest. Well, I was
wrong. This current lifestyle is racking up a higher number of work hours with
fewer breaks in the day than I had while I was teaching. My car has become my
closest companion, as I’m constantly on the go from one thing to the next, and
free time is eaten up by driving (it seems that everywhere in Truckee is a
15-20 minute drive from everywhere else I need to be) or social events. The
only benefit (and it is definitely a positive point) I’ve seen in this change
is that I’ve experienced far less emotional stress bleeding into my personal
life from my work life.
The main negative side-effect that I’ve noticed from
non-stop work apart from lack of rest, however, is that with all of the
schedule juggling and planning my brain manages and organizes every day, I have
a tendency to think that I am the one
in control of my schedule, my finances, and my future. That thought pathway has
not led to confidence, though; it’s led to more worry and anxiety, and I now
understand why: Whenever difficult or inconvenient circumstances arise, if I
think that I’m the one in charge of my life, I choose to shoulder the burdens
while forgetting that God is actually the one providing for me and taking care
of everything. It’s taken a flat tire, an infection, and two subsequent
doctor’s office visits in the span of 3 days for God to grab my attention: I am
not the one in charge; I am not god
of my life.
In my devotional on Friday, the opening line stated, “Take
time to be still in God’s presence.” I had silently nodded in agreement with
those words, thinking, Yeah, yeah, I know
I need to do that. And I will, but later, when I have more time. Well, God
definitely arranged it. Sure, I know that flat tires and infections are and can
be just a natural part of life’s rhythms. However, in this case, I truly
believe God wanted to remind me of an important lesson in a loving way: I need
to proactively carve out time to be still
and know. When I don’t, my life usually spirals out of control, consumed
with to-do lists, ambitions and busy plans. I lose perspective of Who is really
taking care of me in all situations.
I ran towards the sliding doors of the Home Depot—I’d pulled
into the nearest well-lit parking lot, and blessed the Lord that it was a
still-open Home Depot. The only other better places for a car breakdown would have
been in front of a mechanic’s shop or an O’Reilly’s or Napa Auto Parts store.
However, at 8pm on the Saturday before President’s Day, Home Depot had the
advantage of still being open. I also knew it would contain the kind of people
who could probably help me—Do-it-Yourself-ers. As I hurried in, a Home Depot
employee walked into the aisle right in front of me. I quickly approached,
explained the situation, and within minutes I had a slough of people ready to
help. Three employees were ready to help with tire irons and a jack, and two
strangers who overheard my predicament also jumped in and offered to help and
be my go-to in case something happened on my way home from Reno. We fixed the
tire without much further incident, but because it was Saturday and no tire
stores were still open, I was facing a full Sunday at home without the ability
to travel freely, especially because snow was expected that day (and came).
Driving in Truckee during a snowstorm is precarious at best, and with a spare
tire? No one is foolish enough to attempt that.
What appeared to be an inconvenience at first glance was, in
fact, a providential event. I was stuck at home, by myself, for an entire day. I couldn’t remember the last time
I’d allowed my body and mind to relax and unwind like this. I wish it hadn’t
taken a flat tire for God to force me to stay home for a day and do what’s best
for me. I have to get better at recognizing my need for solitude, rest, and
time in His Presence, and then honoring
that need. There’s a reason the Bible voices this as a command, and not just a
piece of advice: to be still and know
is a necessary practice for us. When we take time to stop life and to just be, we are able to reflect, to change
our perspectives, and to recognize that no matter what happens in life, flat
tires and all, God IS. This is why, despite a few more financial and health
setbacks, I feel refreshed and at peace that God will take care of me through
anything, no matter what.
P.S. Speaking of providence, did I
mention that the flat tire ended up being a quick, $13.50 fix? Incredible.
“He says, ‘Be still and know that I am God; I will be
exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in all the earth.’ The LORD
Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
~Psalm 46:10-11
Sunday, February 11, 2018
What It's Like
I
don't
recognize
myself
like
this.
I hate it when
anxiety rips through my mind like the wind through the trees
and when
depression freezes my heart in dark fear and locks me away from the world.
Anxiety
is the wind
pulling at the treetops
bending them this way
and that
and though they have
strong trunks,
the trees are helpless:
pulled
twisted
tossed
thrashing
as a million possibilities of the future
all dark
and sure of the worst possible outcome,
pull my thoughts
into
a wild vortex
of nightmare
after nightmare.
So are my thoughts when anxiety
sends its cold winds to assail me.
Depression is feeling ice
steal over my heart
like winter ice
steals over a pond
and seals it closed from the world.
I am numb to all
except the building chaos
of worries that crowd my brain.
I stand in a sea of people
alone
surrounded by walls I've built
to keep people
from seeing my
weakness
pain
vulnerability,
and the uncontrollable crazy
that roars
like a hungry beast
inside my brain.
I allow the ice
to freeze over
and
to lock me in
so none can see
and run in fear
of my
neediness,
sadness
and inability to seaparate
the nightmares I imagine
from reality.
They would judge
and run
and then
I would truly be
alone.
BUT.
God is
the protective hand
that shields the treetops
from cold wind;
He is the roots
that keep the tree grounded
and He keeps me grounded
through His word of TRUTH.
He speaks calm
over a thousand storms
that rage
and even though
I may be like this
for the rest of my days
I will be healed
in this life
or in the next
and anxiety's tempest
will be eternally
silenced.
God is
the sunlight
the warmth
that slowly melts and cracks the ice
as He speaks tender words of
love,
grace,
mercy,
ACCEPTANCE
and beauty
of me
even in this state
where my mind and my heart and my soul
are ragged and weary
and spent.
He is
the vines
that tenderly thread up and over
and pull down the walls of depression.
There is hope.
Because.
I have found
that
in openness lies my healing,
in honesty I find grace
not judgement,
welcoming arms
not those that push me away,
warm embraces
from friends
and counselors
who will help me on this journey.
There was no need
to fear
because God's perfect LOVE
casts out fear.
And
the ice
and the walls
slowly,
slowly,
disappear.
Finally.
I
am
becoming
ME
again.
don't
recognize
myself
like
this.
I hate it when
anxiety rips through my mind like the wind through the trees
and when
depression freezes my heart in dark fear and locks me away from the world.
Anxiety
is the wind
pulling at the treetops
bending them this way
and that
and though they have
strong trunks,
the trees are helpless:
pulled
twisted
tossed
thrashing
as a million possibilities of the future
all dark
and sure of the worst possible outcome,
pull my thoughts
into
a wild vortex
of nightmare
after nightmare.
So are my thoughts when anxiety
sends its cold winds to assail me.
Depression is feeling ice
steal over my heart
like winter ice
steals over a pond
and seals it closed from the world.
I am numb to all
except the building chaos
of worries that crowd my brain.
I stand in a sea of people
alone
surrounded by walls I've built
to keep people
from seeing my
weakness
pain
vulnerability,
and the uncontrollable crazy
that roars
like a hungry beast
inside my brain.
I allow the ice
to freeze over
and
to lock me in
so none can see
and run in fear
of my
neediness,
sadness
and inability to seaparate
the nightmares I imagine
from reality.
They would judge
and run
and then
I would truly be
alone.
BUT.
God is
the protective hand
that shields the treetops
from cold wind;
He is the roots
that keep the tree grounded
and He keeps me grounded
through His word of TRUTH.
He speaks calm
over a thousand storms
that rage
and even though
I may be like this
for the rest of my days
I will be healed
in this life
or in the next
and anxiety's tempest
will be eternally
silenced.
God is
the sunlight
the warmth
that slowly melts and cracks the ice
as He speaks tender words of
love,
grace,
mercy,
ACCEPTANCE
and beauty
of me
even in this state
where my mind and my heart and my soul
are ragged and weary
and spent.
He is
the vines
that tenderly thread up and over
and pull down the walls of depression.
There is hope.
Because.
I have found
that
in openness lies my healing,
in honesty I find grace
not judgement,
welcoming arms
not those that push me away,
warm embraces
from friends
and counselors
who will help me on this journey.
There was no need
to fear
because God's perfect LOVE
casts out fear.
And
the ice
and the walls
slowly,
slowly,
disappear.
Finally.
I
am
becoming
ME
again.
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Looking for Answers
Scritch, scritch, scratch, scritch, scritch, scratch….I
breathed in deeply and bent my body into the arc of the curve, crossing skate
over skate so I could turn faster. Slowly my arms unfurled and I relished in
the feeling of flight as my blades skimmed over the ice. This is peace. The thought settled over my mind like the warmth of
a close friend’s embrace as I quickly spun around and
let the worries of the day and the chaos and the noise all evaporate until there was nothing but the sound of my
skates on the ice and the rushing wind. This was an answer to prayer.
Just the day before, I’d contemplated the busy week ahead
that would leave little time for social interaction and exercise, and
frustration immediately flooded my mind and heart. Discouragement reared its ugly head, and I was
in desperate need of encouragement and joy to fight back against its grasping claws. I
sighed as I pulled out my Bible and journal and started to scrawl out my
prayers: I prayed specifically for encouragement from others the next day, and
that I could find joy in my day.
Fast forward 12+ hours, where I stood on the icy playground,
keeping an eye on the students scrambling through the snow. Despite the chill
in the air, my heart felt light and warm. My coworkers had expressed to me how
much they enjoyed working with me and had complimented my character, leaving my
face glowing with an odd combination of self-consciousness and joy. I’d
responded by thanking them and telling them that their kind words were a
literal answer to prayer.
Later in the day, I was chatting with a friend, and he also
had kind words for me in answer to my frustrations about the lack of quality
men my age in my area. His words had precisely addressed the doubts I’d been
feeling about myself lately, and spoke truth and encouragement to my
frustrations. Another answer to prayer.
As I drew out my journal that night, it was in eagerness to write
down the ways God had specifically answered my prayers from just the day
before. I started writing, and then slowed down as a thought hit me: What if I
had prayed those specific prayers, but then didn’t look in faith for their
answers? What if I’d just forgotten about them? How many times HAVE I done that
and have then missed the answers from the Lord who loves me? Granted, I know
that not all my specific prayers have been answered yet, but I trust now more
than ever that God is working towards their fulfillment, in my career,
relationships, and family. Sometimes I wonder if our complaints about
unanswered prayers are in part due to our own forgetful nature. So I am fueled
even more now to look continually for God’s faithfulness every day,
specifically in the area of praying and patiently watching.
In Psalm 5, King David speaks to this very thing:
“In the
morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you
and wait expectantly.”
Notice, he says that he lays his requests before the Lord.
I’m pretty good at that. Sometimes I wonder if God is tired of hearing my
voice, honestly, that’s how much I lay prayer requests before him. BUT, this
isn’t where it ends for King David. The end of the verse says that he will then
“wait expectantly.” Well, let’s be honest, I’m not very good at that part. How
many of us are? Maybe you are. If so, please let me in on your secrets, because
I really struggle in this area. I’m grateful for the Bible’s reminder of this
second part of the prayer process. I need it.
As I rounded the next corner, I couldn’t keep the grin of
exhilaration from stealing over my face. JOY.
Pure joy. That’s what I feel every time I skate. I’m not the best skater in
the world by any means; barely a day on the ice goes by where I don’t wipe out
spectacularly, and I can’t do cool jumps or spins, but I can speed like nothing else, and I LOVE it.
I skate because it brings me joy, and this night was no exception. Yet another
specifically answered prayer. I put my earbuds back in my ears and listened to
the final notes of one of my favorite songs and slowly twirled to a stop as the
music ended. I slowly glided to the bench and let the emotions wash over me.
What a joyous end to an answered-prayer day.
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