A Spiritual Depression

“Really? A person like you is single?”

“Why don’t you just try online dating?”

“You’re still so young. You have LOTS of time!”

“Don’t worry—the right person will come at the right time!”

Yes, a person like me is still single, and believably so, in my mind. I have tried online dating. You know, I don’t feel like the youngest person in the world. Yes, I know I still have lots of time. Above are things many people have told me when I vocalize my feelings about wanting to be a wife and have a family someday. They probably mean it to come off as consoling, but more often than not it comes off as condescending. I’m 26 years old, which isn’t exactly SO young, and for someone who wants to have a family someday, I don’t think it’s wrong for me to feel disappointed that this dream may never come true.

I see scores of single young women at my church like me—passionate for Christ, involved in their churches, excelling in their careers and still wanting to settle down and have a family. Yet they vastly outnumber the number of young men in attendance. Most men I spot at church are either married oron the arm of someone else already.

According to one website committed to changing the demographics and shrinking the gender gap in churches, on any given Sunday there are 13 million more women who attend than men (churchformen.org). Church congregations are, nationwide, 61% female and 39% male. This is not just a problem in America, though; it is pervasive worldwide. Apparently, “churches overseas report gender gaps of up to 9 women for every adult man in attendance.” Why is this? I blame it on the Spiritual Depression.

In 1920’s France, there was a high increase in the number of marriages linking a young woman to a much older gentleman. We’re talking 20+ years of a gap in age. Yikes. Look around Europe during the following twenty years, and you see a similar trend. Why? War. World War I decimated Europe’s population of young men, and the ensuing years heard them named The Lost Generation. In 1930's United States,  the same sort of thing happened, although it was the war of poverty that starved many women's hopes and dreams. My great grandmother was one of 12 children in her family, 9 girls and 3 boys. To my knowledge, less than half of the women were married. Why? The Great Depression. SO many were struggling financially and physically that marriage was out of the question. I would argue that we are seeing similar numbers of unmarried single women in churches today because of the Spiritual Depression.

We are entrenched in war. Not in a physical war, although that still remains a problem. We are fighting a spiritual war. Young men (and women) are falling as casualties in a war of lust, pornography, greed and narcissism. Pornography has raged rampant throughout our culture in the last 20 or so years since the birth of the internet and has ruined men’s minds in regards to how to have a healthy relationship with women, both platonically and romantically/sexually. The part that breaks my heart is that our culture has embraced and accepted this as “men being men.” NO! It goes SO much deeper than that!

I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge the fact that there are many young men in my generation with whom I am good friends and who have confided in me that they, too, have experienced the frustration of feeling that all of the quality women who follow Christ are already taken or are greatly dwindling in number. I don’t want to ignore that women have fallen casualties to different sets of cultural diseases. However, the statistics don’t lie. Men are far more at risk.

So, what can we do in all of this? To those of you who are like me—millenials feeling the weight of disappointment and broken dreams—you aren’t alone. Change that frustration into fuel to pray for our generation and for those who will come after us. Pray for strong young men and women who will fight the good fight of faith together.

For those of you who have been the ones saying, “Well, you’re so young!” or “Don’t worry—you still have time!” please stop. It doesn’t help. Instead, let us feel the weight of disappointment and say instead, “I’m sorry it is so hard for you. It sucks. Is there anything I can do?” Chances are, most of us will react more positively to that and will be grateful for the empathy. In all of this, we need to remember that we are broken people living in a broken world, and though it might not feel like it, Christ is still Sovereign. I may never see the realization of my dreams of being a wife and mother, but thank God there is so much more to life than that. Thank the Lord I have family and friends whom I love deeply, a LORD who cares more about my soul than my happiness, and a faith to get me through. These are the things that will never disappoint.

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world's darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore take up the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you will be able to stand your ground, and having done everything, to stand...." ~Ephesians 6:12-13

On Conflict

“STOP IT! AH! STOP!!!!!” I was alerted to the conflict brewing in the back corner of my classroom by a shrill scream. My students froze and looked at me, awaiting my response. Immediately, I issued a request to the other students, “Alright class, please keep working on your end-of-the-day jobs.” As the classroom shivered to life again with bustling second graders, I quickly swooped over and separated the two students who were in the heat of battle. I asked the boy to quickly and quietly go to the buddy room, and had the other student take a break. Once her breath had ceased to come out in heaving gasps, I gently crouched by her and asked, “Could you please tell me what happened?” She choked out that she had been cleaning up around her table, and getting something off the floor when the boy had hit her from behind. She said he did it on purpose. I thanked her for letting me know her side of the story.

When I asked the boy about it, he explained that he had been jumping around, excited about the end of the day (I usually play some clean-up music and he likes to dance along to it), and hadn’t been looking where he was going. In his second-grade exuberance, he had flung his hands out and accidentally hit the girl as she was standing up. She thought he had done it on purpose. He had done it on accident. Of course, as seven-year-olds, their responses were purely emotional, and each reacted on a presumption of the worst about the other person. The fruits of these hasty assumptions were screaming and shouting at one another, disruption of the classroom, and inevitably, tears.

When I had calmed both children down (always step #1—don’t enter into a discussion before tempering your emotions), I was able to hear both sides of the story, piece together what had actually happened, and was able to bring about genuine apologies and reconciliation between the parties.

After this particularly heated afternoon, I sat, exhausted and drained, in my swivel chair. The incident got me thinking about how we adults handle situations very much like these in our own lives. Sure, we are beyond issues of someone hitting another person on purpose or by accident (I hope!), but we still have disagreements and unfortunately, I feel like most of them resemble this second-grade altercation more than a civilized and respectful conversation.

I love having conversations involving people with whom I disagree. Just the other day I was talking with a coworker about some political things. She and I disagreed with one another. Both of us are very passionate about certain policies and standpoints, and both of us are emotional people. However, she had the grace to hear my side of the story, and I had the compassion to listen to her and understand why she believes what she believes, and therefore why she sees things from a perspective that is different than mine. I walked away from that conversation with more compassion for people who have had more difficult upbringings than I have, people who have encountered more difficulties in life and have experienced more racism or negativity than I have.

I have another dear friend with whom I disagree on quite a few things. I love having discussions with her, because I always walk away with more things to think on. I have learned more about the world and different lifestyles by having discussions with people of an opposing viewpoint than I have from people with whom I agree all the time.

Next time you are in a conflict or discussion (hopefully IN PERSON—please, social media is NOT the place to have these discussions. That’s another topic though) with a person of a different mindset, I encourage you to step in with an open mind and a compassionate ear. Please don’t enter screaming and arguing, as this solves nothing and brings about no reconciliation, understanding, or compassion for either one of you. Take the time to listen. Agree to disagree if you must, and love that person for who they are and why they are the way they are.

You could walk out of that conversation learning what my second graders did: your initial assumptions of a person may not be correct, and in the end you could discover something you didn’t know before and come to reconciliation. Because, really, isn’t that what we all want? To be listened to. To be heard. To be understood. And to be brought together in harmony with others, not forever separated because of different ideals and beliefs. At least, that’s my opinion. J

Fanning into Flame the Dying Fire of Faith

A few months back, someone posed a question to a group of people sitting around a bonfire (don’t all the best and deepest conversations seem to happen around campfires? They do for me!). Their question was this: “What is something you do to grow in faith? To have a deeper faith?” An excellent question. 

There was nothing but the sound of crackling fire for a moment as I allowed the question to turn over, back and forth, in my mind. As I allowed it to soak in, my mind began to view this from a different point of view than the one of how the question was posed. I thought not necessarily of how I grow in my faith, but what I do to combat doubt when it assaults my faith.  Hebrews chapter 11 tells us that “Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I believe that there are promises in my life that God has yet to fulfill. So how do I cling to the hope and faith that He who has promised will indeed be faithful to His word? 

Finally, I allowed these thoughts to manifest themselves into words, “When I start to feel a lack of faith, I remember what God HAS already done in my life,” I began. “As humans, we so easily forget what He’s done. That’s why the Bible is FULL of examples of God reminding His people what He’s already done for them. Because they were always forgetting, and then they would doubt.” I continued, “So, I journal about the things that God has done, and then I go back and read about it and realize again, ‘Oh, God answered this prayer that I had two months ago, so He must have a way of getting me through this difficulty now.' ” 

I believe this practice is not only biblically founded, but is also entirely essential for every believer. We, just like the Israelites, so easily forget what God has done for us in the past and are quick to complain and cry out to God when our circumstances turn difficult. It is good to cry out to God when we need Him; we see the psalmists do this all the time. Yet something I’ve noticed about the writers is that, though they often start with their circumstances and speak out of the depth of their distress and sorrow, by the end of the psalm, they are usually praising the Lord. 

Let me be clear: it is perfectly okay for us to feel emotions of fear, sorrow, and heartache; it is a natural human response in times of grief or duress. The importance is for us not to wallow in the emotions forever. The psalmists exemplify this wonderfully. The very next day, in my daily Bible reading, I came across Psalm 77, the content of which perfectly corresponded to the wondering question about faith around that blazing bonfire:

“I cried out to God for help;
    I cried out to God to hear me.
² When I was in distress, I sought the Lord;
    at night I stretched out untiring hands,
    and I would not be comforted.

³ I remembered you, God, and I groaned;
    I meditated, and my spirit grew faint.^[b]
4 You kept my eyes from closing;
    I was too troubled to speak.
⁵ I thought about the former days,
    the years of long ago;
⁶ I remembered my songs in the night.
    My heart meditated and my spirit asked:

⁷ “Will the Lord reject forever?
    Will he never show his favor again?
⁸ Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
    Has his promise failed for all time?
⁹ Has God forgotten to be merciful?
    Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”

¹⁰ Then I thought, “To this I will appeal:
    the years when the Most High stretched out his right hand.
¹¹ I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
    yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
¹² I will consider all your works
    and meditate on all your mighty deeds.”

¹³ Your ways, God, are holy.
    What god is as great as our God?
¹⁴ You are the God who performs miracles;
    you display your power among the peoples.
¹⁵ With your mighty arm you redeemed your people,
    the descendants of Jacob and Joseph.

¹⁶ The waters saw you, God,
    the waters saw you and writhed;
    the very depths were convulsed.
¹⁷ The clouds poured down water,
    the heavens resounded with thunder;
    your arrows flashed back and forth.
¹⁸ Your thunder was heard in the whirlwind,
    your lightning lit up the world;
    the earth trembled and quaked.
¹⁹ Your path led through the sea,
    your way through the mighty waters,
    though your footprints were not seen.

²⁰ You led your people like a flock
    by the hand of Moses and Aaron.”

This is only one way to renew and reinvigorate our faith during times of doubting: Remember. Reflect. Think on our Creator, the God of the Universe, who with a single word spoke our lives into existence. Such is his power; it is life and breath and everything else. It is limitless. That is the God who will fulfill His promises to you, though it may not be in your way or in your time. 

So, this is my challenge: Take some time to remember today. Reflect. Look back at journals if you have them; leaf through them and marvel at what God has done in your life and in the lives of those around you—He IS moving and working, I promise you. Then make it a habit. Set aside time every week or month if you can to delve into this practice of remembrance and reflection, and see how your doubts, questions and fears will instead be turned to praise and wondering at the incredible God we serve!

I quit Facebook, and this is what I learned....

“Hm, what should I look up?” I wondered, as I grabbed my iPad, plopped on the couch and tapped the Google chrome icon. Usually, my finger would automatically reach for the Facebook icon, and then start the scroll through a clogged newsfeed. Ever since I’d gotten rid of it, I’d felt a new freedom to use my time in more productive ways. “Let’s do some more research on dog breeds,” I thought. I’ve been thinking for awhile now that I want to get a dog, and I’m a firm believer in researching breeds that will fit well with my lifestyle. Without the usual time-suck that Facebook brings, I’m finally able to sit down and do some searching and planning.

Extra time isn’t the only bonus of leaving Facebook. I’ve taken a hiatus for a month, maybe a bit longer, and I’ve noticed that I’m more content. Although I am largely happy with the life I lead and love what I do, social media presents a projected image of the highlights of people’s lives, their “glory moments” so to speak, and this in turn can lead to comparison. I’d started wondering if what I really had WAS great, or if I was, in fact, missing out on something vital that other people seemed to have found. This lead to the inevitable and contagious disease called “Fear Of Missing Out”, dubbed “FOMO” for short. Since I’ve been off of Facebook, I have recognized a decline in FOMO, and have felt freer to live life in the moment, enjoy it for what it is, and be more grateful for what I DO have, rather than wanting anything more.

Oddly enough, I have also noticed a decrease in my spending habits on things that I want rather than need. Now when I go to stores, I bypass material things that just a month ago would have tempted me with the promise of eliciting positive reactions from others like, “Oh that dress is SO cute!” or, “I love your scarf! Where did you get it?” Instead, I go straight to, “Do I want this, or do I NEED it?” In this change, I have identified a correlation between wanting to impress others on social media posts and spending money on things I didn’t need. I did this because I felt the need to project that image of the “perfect happy life”.

In addition to a general increase in emotional happiness and a more padded pocketbook, I’ve been able to deepen the relationships that I already have. I personally believe that there is a natural ebb and flow to life, a cycle, an introduction of people into our lives just for certain seasons. Then their presence fades as we eventually part ways to new life seasons. Facebook, however, tempts us to hold on to relationships that we otherwise would not continue.

Research shows that humans are meant to have a limited number of relationships. We only have the emotional and physical capacity to stay in touch with so many people at a time. This includes about 3-5 people in our very close circle of friends and family, then an outer circle that constitutes about 12-15 people. Beyond that, naturally and healthily, we should have shallower relationships with any larger number of people.

On Facebook, many people have anywhere from 300-1,500 “friends”. This is far too many. The truth may sound callous, cold, and unfeeling to some, but anyone who has spent a considerable amount of time researching human health and well-being knows that it is wise for us to set boundaries in our lives: in work, in social commitments, in time, and yes, even in our relationships and interactions with other people. This does not mean we should lack compassion and empathy for those in dire circumstances or for strangers, but if we are not spreading ourselves so thin with meaningless interactions on Facebook or other social media channels, logically we should have MORE compassion and empathy and emotional capacity to love and take care of others as we should instead of squandering it through a digital newsfeed.

So, by leaving Facebook, those who belong in this present life season of mine do not magically disappear. The relationships instead become stronger and more secure. I’ve become a better listener. I’ve become more conscientious and intentional in my connections with others, and so have felt a deeper connection with those in my closer circle of friends. I invest more thoughtfully in specific relationships because I don’t worry about keeping up too many other fringe relationships or contacts.

Finally, we’re back to the first change I noticed after I quitted Facebook: time. Whether I like admitting it or not, Facebook was a real time-consumer for me. With the time I’ve saved from being on social media, I have explored various other money-making possibilities, have invested more in my teaching career, and have spent more time doing things that I love an am passionate about—writing, speech-making, growing my musical talents, and creating products to sell on teacher websites. I’d say that’s a pretty good trade-off.

Friends and strangers, if these are the benefits that I’ve noticed in my life just in the past month, I can’t wait to see the long-term benefits I will experience from having a healthier attitude towards this site. I hope that, even if you don’t agree with some of my points, you can take some time to actually reflect on how you’re choosing to invest your time, energy, and emotions. If you feel Facebook encourages a healthier lifestyle for you, great! If not, it might be time to say “good-bye” to social media and hello to a deeper, more satisfying, and more fulfilling life that is no longer projected through technological means but instead is visible to the real world around you. I guarantee you—it’ll be worth it.

Don't Let Comparison Steal Your Joy

“What do I always tell you?” I gently encouraged one of my students, “All that I expect of you is YOUR best. Not someone else’s best. I want you to do the best that you can do; that’s all I ask. You know that. Did you work hard?” The seven-year-old in front of me hastily tried to blink back the tears that threatened to spill over. “Y-y-es”, she stammered. I smiled at her, trying to meet her downcast eyes, “Then is that all that matters?” Slowly, she nodded. “Okay,” I finished briskly, “Where do we put our things when they’re done?” My student quickly responded, “In the ‘turn-it-in’ bin.” I nodded, and then added, “I can’t wait to read everything that you’ve written! Nice work.” Knowing then that our short conference was over, my second-grader turned and made her way over to the lime green basket that has served as our “Turn-it-in Bin” for the past year or so.

I wish I could say this sort of scene was not a regular one, but I often encounter my students in such a state after various assignments or projects. Sometimes, it is pure frustration at how difficult the subject matter is, but many other times, it is frustration because they think that their work isn’t as good as so-and-so’s. I also wish I could say that this sort of scene isn’t replayed again at adult levels, but unfortunately, it is. In fact, how many of us, as we read this, think of a circumstance in our own lives where we have felt similarly to this young seven-year-old? Admit it—we too, as adults, have situations where we feel our best isn’t enough. It isn’t as good as someone else’s, and therefore, it isn’t worth showing anyone. Well, if I thought that way about my writing, you wouldn’t even be reading this. I am perfectly aware of the fact that I am not even close to the level of great authors, or even good ones, but that doesn’t stop me. If I just gave up because I’m not the best, and because there are others better than me, then the world would be deprived of my talents and the good gifts that I have been given. The same goes for others.

The lesson I am trying to instill in my young students is that, if they spend their time comparing their work with others and lamenting its deficiencies, then they will miss out on being able to be proud of what they have accomplished. They’ll miss out on the essential feeling of accomplishment, that which encourages us to keep working, to keep striving, to go further than we have before. In an article published by The Utopian Life a couple of years ago, both dopamine and serotonin, essential for health, positive outlook, and well-being are released when someone achieves a goal, feels a sense of accomplishment, or reflects with thankfulness on a past accomplishment or goal that they have achieved. Without these chemicals being released in our brains, humans become lonely, depressed, and can lose joy and hope in our lives. Therefore, it is imperative that students at a young age can feel a sense of pride and accomplishment in their work. Not only will this set a healthy foundation for further growth and brain development, but it will also start to establish positive patterns in goal-setting and achieving.

Comparison steals joy. I see this starting at a very young age in my students, and I also see it threaten to steal my own joy as an adult. I see it crush dreams, destroy relationships, and ruin quality of life. Now, I’m not saying that we all need “participation” medals and all need to feel special for everything. I’m saying that when we work hard, achieve a goal, and do our best, that IS noteworthy and is something to be celebrated. If we don’t, we fall prey to comparing ourselves to others, feeling depressed because we “can’t do anything that’s good”, and in the end will be far less productive and encouraging individuals. So, next time you find yourself comparing, stop. Instead, turn your mind to what you have done that you are proud of. And learn, in humility, to acknowledge excellence in others’ work. Don’t be afraid to admit that your passions or talents don’t lie in the same areas as another person. That’s good. God made us all different for a reason. But also don’t be afraid to feel accomplished and proud of the hard work you’ve done that has led to excellence and positive results. Allow that dopamine release. Relish in it. Then set some more goals and keep charging on.